A Modern Day Leper

On Friday, I had an epic failure of a day. It was not good. However, I have had a few days to process, grow and learn. Which means that failure of a day, maybe wasn't really so much a failure of a day after all. 

It basically starts at about 9:00. I had just finished praying morning prayer. The reading from Friday practically soared out of the pages right into my heart:

“No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. [And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.”

This was significant because I was getting ready to have a tough conversation with one of my students. This student was one that I care for very much and one that was disappointing me lately. I was struggling with how I was suppose to hold this student accountable for her actions yet “start all over” and forgive her. All week, and most especially that morning, I had been praying for wisdom on how to handle the situation. Then I read this and thought, “Okay, I can do this.”

Meeting time. I actually start out by handing her my prayer book and saying, “Here I read this for my morning prayer this morning and I think you need to read this before we talk.” Although not Catholic, she’s a fellow Christian and is used to this type of thing from me, so she smiles, takes the book and reads it.

“See, we gotta be nice to each other.”

Then 40 seconds later, we are both saying stupid things and are both extremely frustrated with each other. Why do conversations like this happen? Especially, when you try very deliberatively for them not to happen?

What upset me the most was I prayed for help. I prayed and read the reading. I was determined to let things go. But it didn’t happen like that. It was a failure of a conversation. And I knew it immediately after it was finished. I had done completely the opposite of what I intended to do and what I knew Jesus wanted me to do. It sucked.

Of course it was on my mind all day. I began doubting. 

Is it possible to REALLY be Christ-like in today's world? Like, really? There are tons of good, spiritual, really nice people I know. But Christ-like? 

So immediately I begin thinking- 

"Of course, what's the point otherwise......."

"But it seems so impossible!"

"But the saints, Kasie, the saints."

"It's different now- let's see St. Francis live today."

I admit. All horrible thoughts. I was seriously wrestling with this question really hardcore. The more I go "fishing with Jesus" the more complicated life gets. The more I realize I have so much work to do. Then when I am struggling and not so strong, the Devil creeps in, and puts stupid ideas in my head that make me think that all of this, all that Jesus asks us to do, is impossible.

Thankfully, I have backups. Backups that stand strong in their faith when I am doubting mine. Backups that send me a an email that is a beautiful, poetic depiction of the suffering of Jesus. Backups that remind me that it wasn't about me, them, or that student. It is and always has been that Jesus died for us and for our sins. He died for that conversation. He took care of me and everybody else a loooooooong time ago. 

Then this back-up sends me scriptural evidence, which was very much needed:

"Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ." He never asks you to do the impossible. 

Little did I know I'd see this again later this weekend. Little did I know I was going to get to lector all about this later that weekend too. Hmmmm. Funny guy, that Jesus. 

And we haven't even got to the evening prayer part yet. :) 

Let's go on a journey through Friday's evening prayer.........

Antiphon 1: Lord, lay your healing hand upon me, for I have sinned. 

Hmmmmm............that's an understatement. 

"thus even my friend, in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has turned against me." 

Then......

"Teach us to come to the aid of the needy in a spirit of brotherly love, that we in turn may be received and strengthened by you." 

That is, of course, what I needed to have done. 

Then all of Psalm 46 is pretty much awesomeness. 

"....by endurance and encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to think in harmony in with one another...." 

Lastly, "Christ loved us and washed away our sins, in his own blood."

It was so odd. Like it was all suppose to happen like that. :) Like me being determine and knowing that I had that conversation in the bag. Failing. Being humbled. Doubting. Humbled some more. Realizing (again) why Jesus died for us. Then being filled to the brim with HOPE!

So why title this post a "Modern Day Leper"? Really, I'm not. I might feel that way at times. Ah feelings.......

But for fun, let's just say we are all actually modern day lepers in some form or fashion. Sometimes we may be excluded from people- our friends, or even our families. Sometimes we may feel like the world hates us. We are in pain. We are suffering. Our hearts are broken. 

We all feel like this at some point in our lives. But guess what? 

A leper came to Jesus and kneeling down begged him and said,
"If you wish, you can make me clean."
Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, 
touched him, and said to him,  
"I do will it. Be made clean."

Oh, the things He teaches us! So blessed!