On Autographed Books and Being Different

Books are one of God's great inventions- in a roundabout sort of way I suppose. :) You know...God made man, and man thought out words to write down on stone/wood/papyrus pages. Even better still, are those pages inspired by the Holy Spirit. I love books. 

But when a book happens to be autographed, I get pretty darn excited. In fact, autographed books are my favorite things. I have three. One my mom gave me is by, Brian Jacques, one of my favorite authors growing up. I started reading his books in 7th grade because Mrs. Hastings told me I should. From that point forward I would spend a good deal of whatever money I had buying books from the Redwall series at our local "On Cue" bookstore. Then I dated this writer guy my 1st senior year in college. He gave me a copy of his book and signed it. It mostly just makes me laugh now. And finally, perhaps my favorite of all...I got Father Andrew Apostoli to sign my copy of "Fatima for Today" at the Midwest Catholic Family Conference this year. After he signed it he told me, "Go be an apostle for Mary!" Which, I know he probably said that to hundreds of people that day. Regardless, it still made my day. 

Enough about the joys of books. I have been reading in "Fatima for Today", and was caught off guard by something the children Lucia (10 years old), Jacinta (7 years old)  and Francisco (9 years old) did. Here is the excerpt I read as told by Lucia: 

"As we were walking along the road with our sheep, I found a piece of rope that had fallen off a cart. I picked it up and, just for fun, I tied it around my arm. Before long, I noticed that the rope was hurting me, "Look, this hurts!" I said to my cousins: "We could tie it around our waists and offer this sacrifice to God." 

My first thought was, what an odd thing for a child to do. That kind of thinking is not something that you hear many Catholics ponder nowadays, let alone a 10 year old kid. In fact, after reading this part of the book I am convinced I really have no idea what "doing penance" is all about. These saintly children would rather offer up their bodily pain, their life even, rather than have another soul go to Hell and cause our Lord sorrow. The children even wore these ropes to bed and caused much more pain to them. Jacinta, the youngest, suffered greatly and would be close to tears often because she wore her rope so tightly. These children only stopped this act of penance when the Blessed Mother specifically asked them not to in the last Fatima Apparition. 

Although different ways to do penance would make an interesting blog post, that is not why I mention the story. I thought of the three children again today as I was walking up the steps to Sacred Heart having this conversation in my head..."Why am I going here every morning to pray? I could just pray at school? You have a lot to do. Just pray later. Don't you think that's weird you are coming here? Man, I hope I don't run into the teachers again or anyone that will make things awkward. I wonder what Father thinks when he sees me here. Maybe I should talk to him sometime." It's funny actually. I am often times uncomfortable in faith,  and uncomfortable in developing a stronger prayer life. Mostly because I think I shouldn't be praying as much as I do or want to pray because it is different and counter-cultural. Many people I know would think my time spent in prayer a big waste of time. All the while we have children tying ropes around their waists in love for Jesus. 

You might having something that is making you uncomfortable right now. God is asking something of you that seems weird. You might even think weird to your brothers and sisters in Christ. How can you respond to His love in the spirit of those three little children? Be different. 

Another great book, "The Screwtape Letters",  by C.S. Lewis, has a couple of relevant quotes that I'll leave you with: 

"It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.” 

“All is summed up in the prayer which a young female human is said to have uttered recently: "O God, make me a normal twentieth-century girl!" Thanks to our labors, this will mean increasingly: "Make me a minx, a moron, and a parasite.”  (I hope this one made you smile) 

And lastly, when you're feeling particularly uncomfortable: 

"...when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever." 

Now if I could only get my hands on a signed C.S. Lewis book.

Letting Go

I've never been all that great at letting things go. Too add to this, I don't trust easily. At least not in the things that matter.

Some of you will think this odd, but I remember one of my English teachers in high school saying, "High school is nothing compared to college. You just wait...it gets so much better." And I thought, "What? What do you mean? You are crazy? I love high school!"And the funny thing was, I did love high school. I had supportive parents. I was actively engaged in many school activities. I had some teachers that were really good at their jobs. I had a solid group of true friends. I just couldn't believe that life could get any better.

But it did. I loved college even more than high school.

At the end of college, right before student teaching, I went to China. Two of the girls I was traveling with weren't coming back to the United States at the end of our teaching stint. It is crazy to think how close I was to NOT coming back home. I wanted to postpone teaching. I loved traveling and I loved China and I loved being with those friends. I was nervous and scared of student teaching in little ol' Cherryvale, Kansas. I just couldn't believe that life could get any better.

But it did. I was blessed with a whole other family in Cherryvale.

When my student teaching was finished, it was in the month December, so not really a prime job-hunting time for a teacher. However, I was content with just subbing in Cherryvale for a semester. I was actually pumped to get to live there another 6 months. However, a job in Oxford opened up and I found myself almost back home...really too close to home. I didn't really want to leave Cherryvale. I just couldn't believe that life could get any better.

But it did. Oxford was a great school for me. In fact, it led me back to home school and a whole new set of adventures. God has been so good to me.

If your catching on to the pattern here you are probably thinking...oh she's is leaving teaching and she is scared to leave. It's true, I have thought and prayed a lot about not being an ag teacher anymore. I have told God so many times that I wanted to quit. I am never happy with His answer. Mostly because I used to drive home from school every single day energized and being so excited to go back the next day. I almost hated the weekends when I didn't see my students. Only once in a blue moon do I feel that way anymore.

God is asking me to let go of those first few years of teaching. But not because they aren't good. They truly are good and so, so beautiful. But because He wants to give me something better or different. AND I know that He is asking me to give something better.

It's beyond the scope of teaching too. God is asking me to let go of so many things and people and ideas and dreams. I probably would have never converted if the things I know now I would have known then. I would have said, "Sorry God, that is just too much." As it is now I still tell Him, "I know what you want me to do. But I can't. You are going to have to help me. Please be patient with me." And even in those times when I feel defeated and when I tell God that I can't, I still know that He is pouring His grace and love on me. Especially when I don't want Him to.

It is definitely hard for me to think things could really be better than they were. I am full of doubts. I don't understand. I am scared. I miss my old friends. But I am learning to trust. I know that God loves me more than I can imagine. He has so many good things to give to me. Why am I reluctant to let old things and people go and except His gifts? Why am I reluctant to let God love me?

Why are you reluctant to let God love you? Remember God is like my "crazy" English teacher.... and eternal life really will be so unbelievably good!