Just Shut Up

Being human is hard sometimes. I think that being human the past few weeks has been particularly hard for me. It doesn't really matter why. Mostly, because we can all relate in some shape or form. We all have our little daily battles, that might turn into weeks, months and maybe even year-long battles. I have definitely reached a point where I am just weary. I am just tired, in about every way you could think of- of trying to fix it, trying to figure it out, and trying to go back. It's funny, in the ironic kind of way, because I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide my words, thoughts and actions and then I try to fix them. Over and over and over again. No wonder I feel this way.

So that is exactly what I told Fr. Mike this morning in confession. So two things to be happy about with that sentence:

1. I got to go to confession! It felt great and was exactly what I had been needing to do....
2. I finally went to Fr. Mike! : ) For some reason I have held this fear about going to him and I seem to go to every other priest in the world but Father Mike. It was good to hear from him for once. He was helpful.

I told him I don't really understand. I want to so badly to forget about my will and to just go with God's plan. To stop thinking about how I want things in my life to happen. I definitely try. But I also definitely have moments when I know I shouldn't be doing something but I still do it. And mostly I am just tired of doubting so much. I am confused about HOW to listen. About HOW to make sure I am not just following my will.

So how can I let myself be guided by the Holy Spirit? How can I listen? How will I know it's the Holy Spirit? I don't really know yet......... : ) I know, if only the world's problems could be solved by one confession. : )  But hey, I am a work in progress.

Here is what helped: Father Mike told me I needed to "just shut up sometimes". This made me smile, mostly because those are the words he used and because I  think he is right. And I think if you know me, that would make you laugh too. He was like no amount of book-reading, talking to people, or constantly praying about is going to help if you never shut up to listen to Him trying to talk back to you.

A little side-story----- when I first started going to adoration last Lent, I thought it was strangely/uncomfortably quiet in the chapel. It was way too quiet for me. So I'd bring my iPod and listen to music. : ) Not like Eminem or anything.....you know a little Needtobreathe or Brandon Heath. But anyway, after a couple of month's I stopped that. Then most recently, the two Monday's before National Convention, I was asked to cover an adoration hour from 11pm-12. Which I quickly said yes to, because I love going to adoration and I can count on one hand the number of times I have been in solitude during adoration. So I was super excited for some great adoration time. I had actually been thinking of what to do with my time and had come to the conclusion to just sit there. To "just shut up" as Fr. Mike would say. It lasted for a bit......... and then I just ended up praying and reading. haha So I might have a slight problem here.

Well.....it seems that I am to try that again. : ) I mean, He already knows how I feel. He knows every little thing that I do. And I know He's trying to help me. Even if I don't like what He is saying. So I can tell Him again for the thousandth time, or I can try to listen again. Even if it does take me two months. : ) I am already excited for adoration this week!

So next time you pray, I encourage you to just shut up and tune in to what He is saying too. Listen and do. Don't listen and reject. Make sure your relationship with Him is a two-way conversation. Just shut up.

In Christ, Through Mary.