I say all this because today Kami truly made me feel like me again. I don't really know how or why or really what the deal is lately to make me feel so broken and out of it (well I kind of do but more on that in sec).....but she totally made my day. And she doesn't even know it. :) I can say, do, or feel anything and she won't judge me. I love her. Plus she even gives me a quarter when I don't have one, so that I can get a gum ball out of the candy machine in the mall. That's love. :)
Now on to "That's Me"....... I have been hiding lately. You name the person, and I bet you a million bucks I have been hiding from them. My family, friends, most likely you, and yes, most definitely yes, God. I remember reading this creepy Edgar Allan Poe story in high school about this crazy guy Montressor. Basically, his "friend" gets drunk and he takes him down to the catacombs and builds a cement wall around him. Kinda evil....but hey I do remember this story. So anyway, I am like the drunk friend, but not really in the literal sense. Promise. :) However, I have one-upped Montressor, because I am building my own dang wall all around me. It's getting sky-scraper-like. I will probably start on the moat next week.
But I let down the draw bridge for Kamo a few times this past month. The first time was the weekend before Christmas. I was staying at her house in Wichita on Friday and Saturday nights because we had family Christmases on Saturday and Sunday. I got a brilliant idea- let's all go to mass together on Sunday! I figured since Ryan was coaching some wrestling that weekend, that I had a pretty good shot at making this happen. So I went to Brynley with my idea. I am such a turd, I know. She was excited about going to church with me. Now we just had to run it past Mom. Kami didn't blink an eye----- she thought it was a great idea for Brynley and I to go, but she didn't feel up to taking Cooper. So I was getting really excited about taking Bryn to mass and grateful for Kamo's acceptance. She even texted her neighbor to find out mass times. Then it was so cute when Bryn went to bed on Saturday night and I was talking to her about going to church in the morning. She just smiled at me and said, "God and Jesus.". Ahhhhh, I wanted to laugh so bad and tell her not to forget the super cool, Holy Spirit. But I just smiled. Gotta love five year olds.
Then today at lunch Kami was talking about January 4th for some reason or another. So a thought that immediately pops into my head....January 4th.....awww my confirmation saints feast day. Then a brief, "should I tell her" discussion in my head. Then I say, "Hey January 4th, that's the feast day of my saint." "What's a feast day?" Then ensues a small, yet significant, wall demolition. A wall demolition that was definitely good for my soul.
Here's another example of my hiding. I had personal conversations with most all family and close friends about becoming Catholic before the Easter Vigil. There was the small matter of me not telling my Dad until a couple of days before my baptism. However, I guess the important part of that is that he was still there for my baptism. : ) But anyway, there were a few people that it was just a little awkward bringing up the subject to, even though I saw them almost daily. I just thought, do we really need to have the "Hey I am Catholic now..." conversation? Eck. It was horrible. I never said a word about becoming Catholic and continued working on that wall brick-by-brick.
Until we went to the turkey dinner at Sacred Heart. Thank God we went to the turkey dinner at Sacred Heart. For real. My friend asks, "So is this where you go to church?" My heart kind of skips a beat as I am thinking, "Yes! We are finally talking about it." I briefly explain about mainly attending mass at Holy Name and before you know it we are talking about canned cranberry sauce. But that night, that one tiny question to be more precise, was like a stick of dynamite to the wall. Over the course of the remaining semester, we were now able to breach the Catholic subject little by little. Absolutely nothing about me personally, but more about Catholics as a group. Which is absolutely fine at this point. haha
The biggest wall-breaker incident deals with holy cards. You see, I have been a busy little bee over break and got this idea to mix stained glass with holy cards. Actually, to be more fair, I came across a lady on Etsy that took antique holy cards, put them between two panes of glass and solder the edges. I was like......YES! I could do this....and make them ten times better. So that is what I set out to do. I bought glass, ribbon, rocks and the like, and oh yeah, a crap ton of holy cards and medals. I don't think you can imagine how happy I was to see the sign that read, "Holy cards $1 each OR $0.50 each for 25 cards or more". Hahaha I bet you can imagine the route I took. And after literally visiting every Catholic bookstore in Wichita and my own little piece of stained glassed heaven, I finally made it back to school in AC where I do my stained glass.
I had my supplies strewed everywhere. I was up to my eyeballs in some very, very Catholic holy cards and medals, jamming out to needtobreathe pandora station and cutting some glass, when in walks my teaching partner. Immediately my finger goes for the volume down button on the computer. :) I think, "Oh great, I really should have picked up these dang cards but I really didn't think you stop in....." and as I am thinking this I say, "Hey look at what I am doing with these cards....". And I am sure I rambled....but I just kept thinking "yep, that's me!"
And let me just tell you feeling like "That's me!" is such a relief. Whether it's with Kami, my friends or my teaching partner, hiding really hurt my relationship with each of them. Hiding yourself from others is stressful and quite frankly just a big headache and a lot of work. For me here lately, I have been being a little consumed by my faith. It's new and fascinating. And because I think about some facet of Catholicism pretty much constantly, I am sure it can get a little bit annoying to some people around me. It is definitely misunderstood. And I am to the point now where all I want to do is to share my love for Catholicism with those around me. But for me it is just so hard to do. Some people get my "sharing" all the time (too much) and some not at all (waaaay too little). But here is a lesson to learn about the holy card fiasco.
Come out of hiding. It doesn't even have to be about faith. It could be anything really. Find those people that love you for you. They won't care if you became Catholic, turned vegan, sold all your possessions to spend a few years doing mission work overseas, spent your weekend watching every episode of "Once Upon a Time", ate leftover cold macaroni and cheese, or even if you bought a shoot-ton of holy cards as if they were baseball cards. They. Won't. Care. They will either say, "Oh my gosh, you too!!!" or they will say, "What's a feast day?".
Yeah, there will be a few that still don't get it. But I am choosing to overlook that opinion. Honestly, it is pretty easy to do when I think about the shared experience of someone who gets crazy excited like me over holy cards, or my faith. Or having small ( I like big epic ones too) wall-breaking conversations with my loved ones. Even better still, is listening to them share a little bit about what they hide. We aren't meant to build a wall around ourselves. Solidarity, friends. Make sure you are practicing it and supporting others when they come out from hiding. Most importantly do be afraid to embrace your differences and say "That's me!"
Here's another example of my hiding. I had personal conversations with most all family and close friends about becoming Catholic before the Easter Vigil. There was the small matter of me not telling my Dad until a couple of days before my baptism. However, I guess the important part of that is that he was still there for my baptism. : ) But anyway, there were a few people that it was just a little awkward bringing up the subject to, even though I saw them almost daily. I just thought, do we really need to have the "Hey I am Catholic now..." conversation? Eck. It was horrible. I never said a word about becoming Catholic and continued working on that wall brick-by-brick.
Until we went to the turkey dinner at Sacred Heart. Thank God we went to the turkey dinner at Sacred Heart. For real. My friend asks, "So is this where you go to church?" My heart kind of skips a beat as I am thinking, "Yes! We are finally talking about it." I briefly explain about mainly attending mass at Holy Name and before you know it we are talking about canned cranberry sauce. But that night, that one tiny question to be more precise, was like a stick of dynamite to the wall. Over the course of the remaining semester, we were now able to breach the Catholic subject little by little. Absolutely nothing about me personally, but more about Catholics as a group. Which is absolutely fine at this point. haha
The biggest wall-breaker incident deals with holy cards. You see, I have been a busy little bee over break and got this idea to mix stained glass with holy cards. Actually, to be more fair, I came across a lady on Etsy that took antique holy cards, put them between two panes of glass and solder the edges. I was like......YES! I could do this....and make them ten times better. So that is what I set out to do. I bought glass, ribbon, rocks and the like, and oh yeah, a crap ton of holy cards and medals. I don't think you can imagine how happy I was to see the sign that read, "Holy cards $1 each OR $0.50 each for 25 cards or more". Hahaha I bet you can imagine the route I took. And after literally visiting every Catholic bookstore in Wichita and my own little piece of stained glassed heaven, I finally made it back to school in AC where I do my stained glass.
I had my supplies strewed everywhere. I was up to my eyeballs in some very, very Catholic holy cards and medals, jamming out to needtobreathe pandora station and cutting some glass, when in walks my teaching partner. Immediately my finger goes for the volume down button on the computer. :) I think, "Oh great, I really should have picked up these dang cards but I really didn't think you stop in....." and as I am thinking this I say, "Hey look at what I am doing with these cards....". And I am sure I rambled....but I just kept thinking "yep, that's me!"
And let me just tell you feeling like "That's me!" is such a relief. Whether it's with Kami, my friends or my teaching partner, hiding really hurt my relationship with each of them. Hiding yourself from others is stressful and quite frankly just a big headache and a lot of work. For me here lately, I have been being a little consumed by my faith. It's new and fascinating. And because I think about some facet of Catholicism pretty much constantly, I am sure it can get a little bit annoying to some people around me. It is definitely misunderstood. And I am to the point now where all I want to do is to share my love for Catholicism with those around me. But for me it is just so hard to do. Some people get my "sharing" all the time (too much) and some not at all (waaaay too little). But here is a lesson to learn about the holy card fiasco.
Come out of hiding. It doesn't even have to be about faith. It could be anything really. Find those people that love you for you. They won't care if you became Catholic, turned vegan, sold all your possessions to spend a few years doing mission work overseas, spent your weekend watching every episode of "Once Upon a Time", ate leftover cold macaroni and cheese, or even if you bought a shoot-ton of holy cards as if they were baseball cards. They. Won't. Care. They will either say, "Oh my gosh, you too!!!" or they will say, "What's a feast day?".
Yeah, there will be a few that still don't get it. But I am choosing to overlook that opinion. Honestly, it is pretty easy to do when I think about the shared experience of someone who gets crazy excited like me over holy cards, or my faith. Or having small ( I like big epic ones too) wall-breaking conversations with my loved ones. Even better still, is listening to them share a little bit about what they hide. We aren't meant to build a wall around ourselves. Solidarity, friends. Make sure you are practicing it and supporting others when they come out from hiding. Most importantly do be afraid to embrace your differences and say "That's me!"
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