And let's just be honest here, it was mostly because mass was completely awesome today! The little kids sang, the second reading from Philippians is one of my favorites, and I just felt surrounded by beautiful things. Beautiful people, beautiful windows, and a crazy, beautiful building.
So back to Philippians........
Philippians 4:6-9
"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your request known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you. "
So I really didn't come across this (or really much scripture) until earlier this year. So it is cool when I start recognizing my favorite bits every now and then. : ) The above reading was in this Lent devotional book that I was reading during Lent and I read this passage a couple of days after my Grandpa Selenke's funeral. After all the craziness of this next story. :)
There was a day in my life, actually the day of his funeral that I felt like this happened. Like EXACTLY. It was crazy. Like, that day "the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" really happened to me. So I thought it would only be fitting to share my "peace" story! It is probably one of my favorite things I have ever written.
I am not supposed to feel this way. Not today. Today I am supposed to feel lost, confused, and sad beyond reason. Instead, I just can’t stop smiling.
Days like today are definitely a gift. Days like today make me wonder how people go through life not believing in God. I say this because all day long, I felt Him. There were times today when I was sad. I missed my Grandpa; I imagined him just showing up, telling some stories, giving me a hard time and everything just being a dream. I was sad when I saw my Grandma weep, or when I hugged my Nannie. But I never felt alone. And not because I was surrounded by my family.
I remember my Papa’s funeral. How I felt sitting in that church. How I felt more at home than ever before. That day, I was beginning to listen. Today it was truly a blessing to have my Grandpa’s funeral mass at Holy Name. My church. My home. It was just so comforting knowing that the same priest that was burying my Grandpa would be baptizing me in a couple of weeks, in that very place. I felt calm and peaceful all day. I felt like I was so at home and in the exact place I was supposed to be. I felt as if my ears and eyes were wide open. He must have been right by me all day long.
Later that day I decided to go walk and pray. So I think this makes a total of three times I’ve been to that hike/bike trail. Today was so very much amazing. I didn’t even listen to music the whole time because it was so very unnecessary. Not three minutes into my walk, I felt so very peaceful. I was walking with my face to the sky. I couldn’t help but noticed how the cottonwoods were so alive at the tops of the trees and how their buds dwindled from there. I thought it was beautiful how they weren’t quite all leaves yet but just starting to come back to life again….so green at the top against the bright blue sky. Then the clouds! It was simply amazing.....I was all sorts of smiles. I bet I would have been a sight to see. I went to my spot by the river bank. I watched the fish jump, watched the wind blow the lone tree on an island in the water, and I prayed. I didn’t want my prayers to end.
Then I got up and decided to walk some more. On the remaining walk I experienced peace like never before. If you look up peace in the dictionary it talks about freedom of mind from annoyances and disturbances. It takes about stillness. It talks about being untroubled and content. Like are we really allowed to feel this way? Because I don’t think I truly understood peace until today. Shoot, I probably still have no idea but regardless it was so wonderful. I was so happy. Beyond happy. I saw beautiful thing after beautiful thing appear right before me. There were tufts of green, green grass that carpeted the ground. There were squirrels barking in the trees. There was the moon in the middle of the bright blue sky. Nests. Mushrooms. Purple flowers. AMAZING trees along the trail. I know I am the biggest nerd ever, so BMH beforehand…..I felt like I was in some Lord of the Rings book walking through The Shire. I had never been to this section of the trails before and it was simply breathtaking. I felt like Jesus and my Grandpas were right beside me walking down that path.
I kept thinking I shouldn’t feel so good. But then smiling and laughing because it didn’t matter what I thought. I wanted to stop along the path, lay down, kick my legs up and down with happiness and stay there forever. I don’t think I have ever felt so blessed and thankful than I was feeling. I felt like I could have any conversation with Him that I wanted and that he was listening and talking back. It was amazing. I have really never wanted to cry because I was so happy. But the myth is true…it does happen. ;) Out of all the tears I have cried that past few days, I was crying because I couldn’t believe how good He was. Tears and a smile from here to the moon. God is soooooo good to us. I just kept praying please let my Grandma feel this way sometime soon.
I think that moments like these are as close to peace as we will ever get to on earth. Just imagine what true peace is going to feel think. Ahhh shivers. And when you think about that and then you know your loved ones are experiencing that peace a million trillion times over, you can’t help but be beyond happy.
But as the end of my walk came to an end, and as I got closer to civilization, my car, and the bypass, I started to think about tomorrow, the next week, the next couple of months. We may not get many of these peaceful moments. The cold hard truth is that we will not feel like this every day. We have to remember them though. I know that I will have some stressful days, some hard days, and some straight up stupid days in my future. Days when I will try so hard to feel Him and be so frustrated that I can’t. Days when I will not want to feel Him…..because I am dumb. Days when I will feel like quitting and giving up. But on those days, my walk with my Grandpa’s is going to get me through them. I have to remember that peace I felt and look forward to feeling it again.
Ever since I can remember, my Grandparents would stand at their door, or the end of their driveway and wave and wave and wave at us as we drove away from visiting them. They never stopped waving and we never stopped waving until we could no longer see them. Our hands would be out the windows and we’d be turned around in our seats to wave goodbye to them. Still to this day, they continue this even though we are all grown up. Grandma is the biggest waver. Grandpa had his thing too though. He would always say peace and wave with the peace sign as we drove away. So we’d alternate between the peace sign and a wave as we drove down the road. I think Grandpa was peace signing me the whole day today. Ahhhh what a feeling!
And just to reiterate the fact that I this happened and I blogged about it before I had ever really seen Philippians 4:6-9. Just the things I describe that day are the very things He is telling us to think about. I talked about all the beautiful things I saw on my walk that He was romancing me with that day. He showered down on me so many beautiful things to guard my heart and mind on a very sorrowful, hard day. I focused completely on Him. No wonder I was so peaceful.
It is an awesome reminder for someone who has a brain that won't shut off. Don't fret so much, self. You did it once and remember how awesome that felt!? lol
Peace out!
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