Letting Go

I've never been all that great at letting things go. Too add to this, I don't trust easily. At least not in the things that matter.

Some of you will think this odd, but I remember one of my English teachers in high school saying, "High school is nothing compared to college. You just wait...it gets so much better." And I thought, "What? What do you mean? You are crazy? I love high school!"And the funny thing was, I did love high school. I had supportive parents. I was actively engaged in many school activities. I had some teachers that were really good at their jobs. I had a solid group of true friends. I just couldn't believe that life could get any better.

But it did. I loved college even more than high school.

At the end of college, right before student teaching, I went to China. Two of the girls I was traveling with weren't coming back to the United States at the end of our teaching stint. It is crazy to think how close I was to NOT coming back home. I wanted to postpone teaching. I loved traveling and I loved China and I loved being with those friends. I was nervous and scared of student teaching in little ol' Cherryvale, Kansas. I just couldn't believe that life could get any better.

But it did. I was blessed with a whole other family in Cherryvale.

When my student teaching was finished, it was in the month December, so not really a prime job-hunting time for a teacher. However, I was content with just subbing in Cherryvale for a semester. I was actually pumped to get to live there another 6 months. However, a job in Oxford opened up and I found myself almost back home...really too close to home. I didn't really want to leave Cherryvale. I just couldn't believe that life could get any better.

But it did. Oxford was a great school for me. In fact, it led me back to home school and a whole new set of adventures. God has been so good to me.

If your catching on to the pattern here you are probably thinking...oh she's is leaving teaching and she is scared to leave. It's true, I have thought and prayed a lot about not being an ag teacher anymore. I have told God so many times that I wanted to quit. I am never happy with His answer. Mostly because I used to drive home from school every single day energized and being so excited to go back the next day. I almost hated the weekends when I didn't see my students. Only once in a blue moon do I feel that way anymore.

God is asking me to let go of those first few years of teaching. But not because they aren't good. They truly are good and so, so beautiful. But because He wants to give me something better or different. AND I know that He is asking me to give something better.

It's beyond the scope of teaching too. God is asking me to let go of so many things and people and ideas and dreams. I probably would have never converted if the things I know now I would have known then. I would have said, "Sorry God, that is just too much." As it is now I still tell Him, "I know what you want me to do. But I can't. You are going to have to help me. Please be patient with me." And even in those times when I feel defeated and when I tell God that I can't, I still know that He is pouring His grace and love on me. Especially when I don't want Him to.

It is definitely hard for me to think things could really be better than they were. I am full of doubts. I don't understand. I am scared. I miss my old friends. But I am learning to trust. I know that God loves me more than I can imagine. He has so many good things to give to me. Why am I reluctant to let old things and people go and except His gifts? Why am I reluctant to let God love me?

Why are you reluctant to let God love you? Remember God is like my "crazy" English teacher.... and eternal life really will be so unbelievably good!