Nobody to God

Sometimes I suck at hiding my emotions. If I'm happy you'll know it. If I'm upset with you, I will probably be short with you. Additionally, I am horrible liar. Even if it's a stupid thing like, "Ms. Bogart have you ever drank a beer?". I can never quite get the words, "Of course not, beer is gross!" to come out of my mouth.  Even still, I will be sure to follow up by telling the kids that I think underage drinking is stupid. Because I do. Then there is this annoying little problem of mine that I like to talk about how I am feeling. Which when I say it's annoying, it's not only annoying to the people I "need" to talk to but annoying to me too. 

Mostly it's annoying because I read beautiful things like this: 

"Please ask Our Lady to give me her heart--- so that I may with greater ease fulfill His desire in me. I want to smile even at Jesus and so hide if possible the pain and the darkness of my soul even from Him." 

Really, Mother Teresa? You don't even want to talk to Jesus? Then I dog-eared the page. 

I continue reading a little more: 

"There is so much contradiction in my soul. ---Such deep longing for God--- so deep that it is painful--- a suffering continual--- and yet not wanted by God--- repulsed--- empty--- no faith--- no love--- no zeal..........................Pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything................I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God." 

Really, Mother Teresa? Nobody to God? What does that even REALLY mean? Then I dog-eared the page. Good thing I don't have a pencil. 

I continue reading: 

"Was is Mother who taught you to say for the profession "I desire to become the Spouse of Jesus Crucified?----- It is not Jesus glorified or Jesus in the crib, but on the Cross--- alone--- naked---bleeding--- suffering--- dying on the cross."

At this point my cat Gizmo is confused and slightly irritated that I keep saying "Mother Teresa!". It may be because she is the "Cat from Hell" or that I am interrupting her nap. We will never know. Then I dog-ear the page. 

Looking back at the past 20 or so pages, almost every single page is dog-eared. The library is not going to like me. This particular chapter that is really driving me crazy is called, "The Thirst of Jesus Crucified" from the book Mother Teresa Come Be My Light. Really it's a good crazy because now I just keep rereading what I have dog-eared and am simply in awe of Mother Teresa and the darkness she endured to bring souls to Christ. 

When Mother Teresa talks about being nobody even to God, it makes my heart ache. Sure there have been times I have felt distant from God. I have felt like God wasn't there or that God wasn't listening to me. But to feel like God has said, "You are nobody to me." The thought is so far over my head. Not to mention she endured this suffering for so long. 

Mother Teresa lived to be more united in Jesus crucified. So naturally the thought popped up, "Did Jesus really feel like nobody to God?" At first I thought, that's silly, of course He didn't feel that way. I mean Jesus is the son of God. Obviously, he felt extreme loneliness and suffered rejection by so many people. But he didn't feel that God had left Him. But then I decided to do a little more digging and read this: 

Matthew 27: 45-46

"From noon onward, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon.46And about three o’clock Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

I have read The Passion so many times but never really picked up on this. Jesus felt me rejecting Him. He felt you rejecting Him. He felt every single person that has lived and will live rejecting Him. He even "felt" his own Father rejecting Him even when God really never abandoned Him. Jesus was sooooooooo human. Even more than I could have ever imagined. Of course, He felt like He was a nobody to God. The key here is that is what Jesus felt even though it really wasn't what was happening. Our dang feelings getting the best of us. 

Mother Teresa recognized her suffering as getting closer to Christ crucified. The more she suffered the closer she became to Christ. And she kept smiling despite feeling so very much apart from her lover. She makes me feel so small. 

What a beautiful example Mother Teresa has given us all. Keep smiling and dog-earring.